Decisions are the Worst

They can be anyway!

We go through life from the time we are younger all through adulthood making decisions. Mostly decisions for ourselves. Then we meet someone and fall in love and our decisions aren’t all about us anymore but about this other person. Then we have kids and our decisions become bigger and more meaningful. We help our child learn to make decisions for himself and the one day they start making their own decisions and you hope and pray that you have taught them all they need to know.

However for parents of children with special needs it doesn’t always work like that. From the moment Grant was born I had to start making decisions for him…not too different than any other parent however my decisions were BIG decisions and will remain that way for the rest of his life. And yes I have a husband and we talk about things but the decision always falls on me. That’s a heavy burden to bear.

It started with simple decisions. Like when his early intervention physical therapist was coming once a week and asked if I would like to increase the visits to twice a week or every week. That was an easy decision to make. I’ve had a lot of easy decisions like that but every now and then I get the big ones that have me second guessing myself and finding hope in prayer.

The first really big decision came just before Grant turned one. My husband and I had talked about Botox but never really said yes or no. Finally I decided to take him in for the initial evaluation. I walked out of there with a list of twelve different spots that the doctor wanted to shoot needles into my teeny tiny little boy. My decision was no…he’s too young.

Then I found out about a form of therapy called ABM but the closest therapist that practiced this method was in St. Louis which was three and a half hours away. I decided to send an email. We went for a free session and I decided let’s do it. The problem…. we had to make the two to three day trip once to twice a month to get this therapy done. That meant my husband had to take a couple days off work, we had to rent a car (most the time because of crappy car history), we had to book a hotel and pay for the therapy that was not covered by insurance. Now this was a time that money was tight. It was really really rough. We did that for almost a year. We saw good progress but in that time money was scarce and what we did have went towards the trips to therapy. Needless to say we lost our house and filed for bankruptcy. But it was worth it and I’d do it all again because it’s better than wondering what if my entire life.

At almost a year we found out about a therapist that practiced the same form of therapy that had just moved to our area. Thank goodness! I decided to stop our trips to St. Louis and stay home. Again we saw progress but it got to be just too hard for various reasons. So I decided to end that journey. By this time he was almost two and I decided it was time for Botox.

For almost three years Grant got Botox injections every three months. At first it was amazing and did amazing things for his body. Then it was like we hit a wall and progress stopped. That’s when I expressed my concerns with his orthopedic surgeon and told him I only wanted Grant seen for hip evaluations and wanted to stop getting botox. A few days later I received a letter stating he was letting Grant go as a patient. Did I make the right decision? I knew I did at that point.

Next big decision came when I started researching Stem Cells. After lots of research I knew again it was something we had to try. However that meant a flight to Arizona, a few days stay in a hotel, and stem cells. All of which were not cheap at all!! But I decided we were doing it! After raising $6500 (just for the treatment) with the help of our amazing support system of family and friends we were off. Best decision for sure!! So much so that we are doing it again in a couple of months!

In the last few days I’ve made another big decision regarding Grant that I don’t want to discuss quite yet but one that took a lot of research and praying about. Still not sure what this journey will hold but praying it is the right one.

So in the last almost eight years my life has been full of making these huge, possibly life changing decisions for Grant. Some of which not only affect him but our entire family and our way of living. But the decision has to be made. Sometimes these decisions cause me lots of tears and anxiety and stress but I don’t know if we don’t try. Knowing that this is how decisions will be made for the rest of his life sending a shooting pain through my heart. Knowing that I’m the sole person responsible for anything and everything Grant does is daunting. But I would make every decision and be there holding his hand and cheering him on through the entire journey because I’m his mom and he is amazing!

Moral of the story: yes decisions are hard but someone has to make them.

Have a blessed day!

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