It’s a strange feeling. I’m surrounded by all this love and all these people yet at times…I feel so alone, overwhelmed, exhausted!
Don’t worry…I’m not depressed! Not even a little. Just feeling way under appreciated and like I said…alone!
I am one person! I’m not sure if all the people in my house realize that. I’m expected to be everything for everyone! Clean…constantly…NONSTOP! Why? Because if I don’t, no one does and you should see my house right now and what it does when I don’t clean! It’s overwhelming!! I’m embarrassed to say this but there is not one spot on my counter to put a plate. The dishes sit in the dishwasher clean waiting for me to put them away because no one else can. The laundry that I have literally been doing since last Thursday…that’s a week people!!! And as I’m trying to catch up from those yucky home invaders it’s piling up in closets for me to turn around and do it all over again. Right now 3 baskets worth sit in my living room needing to be folded and put away and my bed is piled up with the same thing. Those shirts will be hung over the bed post tonight so we can go to bed and left for me to do something with them tomorrow. And I won’t even start on the rest of the house. That’s just my living room and kitchen!
I feel like I’m expected to do it all…hell I’m a stay at home mom “what else does she do with her day?” I cater to a 2 year old. Okay that’s a little much. She’s actually a very polite and compassionate toddler. But I do play with her and we learn and we cuddle and I enjoy my last little two year old I will ever have because I know how fast time goes and I’m soaking it up. I don’t do that all day I try to get away and clean here and there but she always comes to me “mom run in circles me?” “I can’t Gracie I’m trying to clean.” “Peas?” She says so sweetly with her head cocked to the side. I dare you to try to say no to that.
Then it’s nap time…yes I can finally get something done. Okay do I clean the kitchen, clean the living room, clean the bathroom, do laundry (oh wait I’ve been doing that all day!), catch up on all my orders that people are so patiently waiting on, edit my best friends Christmas pictures she’s so patiently waiting on. How do you decide what should come first? By the time I decide and really get going she’s waking back up! And night time is out of the question. Last night I rocked Grant until 11pm. I’m not cleaning then I’m going to bed because he will be up in a couple of hours.
So most of you know I’ve been trying to get Green for Grant Creations up and running but guess what…THERE’S NO TIME!
I’m so sick of apologizing to people! I’m sick of telling people I’m trying…I promise. Because you know what…they don’t understand! I’m expected to get it all done! My only thing in life is completing your order. I’m so sorry! So after I finish these orders I have I will more than likely end the “business” just like I did Zip-Ease. The things I truly enjoy doing…but there’s no time.
And I usually feel like I have no one to talk to about it…why…no one understands! I don’t have a support system (that sounds completely harsh and totally bashing to my family and the few friends I have but that’s not at all what I mean! They are all amazing!!! And I am forever grateful to have them in my life!) but I need someone at the end of the day, especially a day from hell, to hold my hand, dry my tears and tell me I’m doing a good job! Or I just need someone to SHOW me at home that I matter….that I’m human!!
I will end this by saying I am in no way looking for a pity party! Those that know me know that it is NEVER what I’m looking for! I’m strong!! I don’t like to show my weakness! But I’m human and I want this blog to reflect that! I want it to show what life is really like being a special needs mom!
Moral of the story: if you think someone might be having a hard time or might just need a hug…even if they don’t look like they do..,hug them and tell them they are doing an amazing job and they matter!
Have a blessed day!