So you know the Facebook “On This Day” memories post that’s at the top of the page every morning reminding you of all those amazing memories you’ve had over the last 10+ years? I love them! I love looking at posts and pictures of funny things my oldest son said when he was two or adorable pictures of my boys together. I love it all!
Except.,.this time of year…it’s very hard!
You see it was 8 years ago at this time that my beautiful, perfect baby boy growing inside of me took a painful blow that caused his CP!
I’m Kell Sensitized (for the full story check out the About Us section). Grant had his first blood transfusion in-utero December 11, 2009. Thank for the reminder!! As I read the note I wrote about it 8 years ago yesterday my face flooded with tears! Even teary as I type this. Every year the realization hits me that we almost lost him that day!! His heart rate dropped scary low and they were seconds away from putting me under and delivering my baby boy who wouldn’t have survived. My heart hurts, as I lay here holding him, thinking we were mere seconds away from this never happening.
That transfusion started a very long and emotionally and physically draining 11 days.
On December 18th, what started as a regular MCA Doppler on his brain to check his blood levels turned into an emergency blood transfusion. Every time they transfused they had to check his blood level to see how much they had to put back in. They liked his Hemoglobin Level at a 10-12…he was at a 3! Extremely…extremely anemic!! If we had wanted another day it he wouldn’t have survived…again I almost lost my son!!! Four short days later we were at it again but with not so scary results this time.
My son had 6 transfusions before he was even born. It was the transfusion on December 18, 2009 that took away all our hopes and dreams of being “normal”.
Now at the time none of this seemed as scary as it is when I read it year after year. Now that I have joined the amazing Isoimmunization group on Facebook I’ve learned just how scary it was.
I remember going in for the MCA at 24 weeks and seeing that dark spot on his brain and knowing that was not okay. The doctors kept dancing around it saying they would just keep an eye on it. Finally at 26 weeks I asked what it was and what it meant. It was then they told me my son would likely have Cerebral Palsy!
I do have to say that with each year the guilt I bear grows stronger. The hurt and the pain I feel knowing that I couldn’t protect him tears my heart apart. Wondering about all the “what if’s”. What if I had waited longer between pregnancies? What if I had educated myself more (although at the time there was next to no info about it online)? What if…what if…what if?
These feelings don’t stay with me constantly! In fact I very rarely feel this way. But this time of year brings it out at least for that 11 days 8 years ago in which our world unknowingly came crashing down! But I rebuilt that world…reconstructed it…adapted it and it’s a pretty amazing world. I think it’s those feelings of sorrow, guilt, even anger…it’s the raw tears I cry in the shower when know one can see or hear…it’s those emotions that get me through!
Moral of the story: life may knock you down and kick you while you are there. Take a deep breath, stand up tall, brush it off and keep going!
Have a blessed day!