Yes tears are in my eyes and slowly and silently overflowing down my cheeks.
Yes I am holding my eight year old son who has Cerebral Palsy and is nonverbal.
Yes I’m wondering how many times he will wake up tonight.
Yes my mind is racing with what could be wrong. Does his tummy hurt since he has barely eaten anything? Is his ear bothering him? Does he need to poop? Did he have a bad dream? Is he scared? All these thoughts and more are racing through my mind just trying to figure out how to help him.
Yes he got frustrated with me once again and yes I got frustrated with him.
Yes…once again…it’s just me and him to work it out on our own.
Nights are rough. Most of you know that from my previous posts. Some nights are easier than others but most nights are sleep deprived and frustration filled.
Night after night I do it on my own.
Being a special needs parent is hard. But being a special needs parent who carries the weight on my shoulders is that much harder. I very rarely get a break period…but at night it never happens.
I get him ready for bed, I fix his nighttime drink, I rock him, I lay him down in his bed. When he wakes up, I get him and do the cycle all over again.
Sometimes it takes everything I have to keep my eyes open. Sometimes we raise our voices at each other. And yes…sometimes there are tears.
Sometimes I would give anything for someone to say “Hey I got this!” when I hear him wake up and to just let me lay there.
But it’s in those moments of pure frustration and sleep deprivation that it allows me to take a deep breath, look into his big hazel eyes and talk just to him and no one else. It’s in these moments I get to truly remind him how much I love him and how if he will let me and help me then I can help him. It’s in these moments that I can feel him listening and hanging on to every word I say. And when I’m finished and ask if he’s ready to cuddle and go to sleep and he gives me his reassuring smile and nod, it’s in that moment that I can feel the weight shift.
As I feel him drift off to sleep and his little trapped body relax, it’s in that moment that I’m reminded why I am his Mom!
Moral of the story: even in the moments of feeling frustrated and alone there is still a reason to take a deep breath, find the good and shift the weight!
Have a blessed day!