Grief is a funny thing.
Actually there is nothing funny about it…it freaking sucks!
It’s an awful thing. It brings out anger and confusion and questioning. It brings out a sadness from so far deep inside you and you never knew it existed.
It catches up with you when you least expect it and it’s like a punch in the gut every time.
The grief I talk about today comes from the loss of my Grandma. It’s been a little over 6 months since I got the phone call from my mom. Wondering why she was calling so early in the morning only to hear her tears and knowing it wasn’t good news. Hearing those words took my breath away. I walked down the hall into my living room only to see my oldest sitting there looking at me with complete worry. I then had to sit and tell him that his Great-Grandma had passed away and I held him as he sobbed into my chest. I broke his heart in ways that I wish he could never feel.
Now don’t get me wrong. She’s not the first person to pass away in my life. I’ve lost both my grandparents on my dad’s side and yes they hurt just as bad and I think of them constantly. But this one…it just flat out broke.
I find myself wondering why? Why does it hurt so darn bad? And the only answer I have for that is…I didn’t get to say goodbye. We knew she wasn’t doing the greatest but she was far from done! Every other important person who has passed in my life I got to say goodbye. We knew it was nearing then end and I got that closure. My heart wasn’t ready for her to be gone and I don’t care how much they say time heals…I don’t think there is enough time in this world to heal my heart.
She was supposed to move in with my parents and be there every time we came over. She was supposed to sit out at the pool with us while the kids went swimming just talking and smiling at her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She was supposed to be there for my oldest and youngest birthdays just a few months later. She was supposed to be sitting in her spot for Thanksgiving. And she should be here complaining about how much she hates Christmas when I know deep down inside she truly loved it! She should be here as I get older and go through things and need to talk to her only to hear her say “I tried to tell you!” She should be going to Gracie’s first dance performance and to Matthew’s 4th grade concert. She should be here to make Grant crack up in ways that only she knew how.
We always joked when we saw something we liked we’d say “I’m going to put my name on that so when you die I get it.” We’ve said that for as long as I can remember. Well last winter she had a coat that I absolutely loved. It looked so comfy and warm. From the first time I saw it and probably every time I saw her wear it I told her “I’m putting my name on that coat so when you die it’s mine or just when you get sick of it.” She just always smiled and said “Okay!” Well dang it Grandma I didn’t want to be wearing it a few months later!!!
It still smells like her. I only wear it in the house because as Matthew told me “Don’t even think about wearing that outside, Mom, because it will make Great Grandma’s smell go away.” I feel safe when I have it on. How stupid does that sound…35 years old and I feel safe wearing a jacket that smells like my Grandma.
There are so many things I want to tell her. So many things I wish she knew. I want to hear her laugh again…oh just to hear that laugh one more time. But for now I will close my eyes and let the tears roll down my cheeks and pray that she’s up there watching down on us with a smile.
Moral of the story: never take today, or the people you love, for granted!
Have a blessed day!
I feel your pain… literally! I miss her so much. I understand about the smell. I picked up a blouse of hers the other day and buried my nose deep in it to take in the smell. Such a sense of comfort washed over me that I made both girls smell it when they walked in and asked what it smelled like. They both smiled and said… grandma. I don’t think it ever gets easier and this Christmas is going to be really hard for all of us. We had a hard time coordinating all my kid’s schedules this Christmas around all the extended families to find a time we could have our Christmas. I know it didn’t seem like a big deal to them, but it is for me. I need that sense of normalcy because that will be the only normal thing about this Christmas, my favorite holiday. At least none of us are going through this alone and we have each other… that does help in some small way. *sigh*
I’m still destroyed over the loss of my aunt. She was my mother when mine wasn’t, she was Layla’s gramma because my mom isn’t, she was my best friend and overall my partner in raising Layla (since I’m a single mom I need someone to fill in my weakness). It doesn’t go away, it’s still unbelievable that she’s not there. It still kicks me in the guts. Hang in there, and keep her memory alive.